Parenting

  • Beating the blues: Depression in young mothers

    Beating the blues: Depression in young mothers

    Dr. Miriam Adahan

    A major problem which is talked about in whispers but often not sufficiently

    acknowledged, is depression in young mothers.

  • Discipline – For the good of the child

    Discipline – For the good of the child

    Dr. Miriam Adahan

    Children misbehave only because they do not know they are holy! Strict limits makes them feel secure. BASIC RULES: 1. SCOLD QUICKLY - no more than a minute. Attack the behavior, not the child. 2. FOCUS ON SOLUTIONS. Be specific, “That (state specifically what it is) is unacceptable.” 4. END WITH HUG: “I love you and trust you.

  • Living in 3-d: Disciplined, Determined and Demanding

    Living in 3-d: Disciplined, Determined and Demanding

    Dr. Miriam Adahan ( 2004–06–24)

    I have three different aerobics instructors who are all disciplined, determined and demanding, a fact which I find very inspiring. Beauty and brains are gifts from G-d, so we are merely praising the Creator when we comment on either trait.

  • Don’t all mothers love their children?

    Don’t all mothers love their children?

    Dr. Miriam Adahan

    Once in a while, I mention in my parenting classes a case of a client who is suffering the effects of a sadistic or neglectful mother. Inevitably, a look of astonishment will appear on the face of one of the group members, and she will ask with incredulity, “That’s not possible! Don’t all mothers love their children? Isn’t it an instinct to love one’s own child?”

  • Helping your kids to be cooperative

    Helping your kids to be cooperative

    Dr. Miriam Adahan

    Good for you for reading Horizons! It means you’re taking time to relax and enjoy yourself. Most mothers feel “maxed” to the limit. We become so task-oriented, focused on cooking, cleaning, shopping, working outside jobs – that it’s often hard to take a break from thinking about others’ needs.

  • Horizons: Thank you!

    Horizons: Thank you!

    By Dr. Miriam Adahan

    When Mimi Zakon asked me to write a special article for the 10th anniversary edition of Horizons, I jumped at the opportunity to give them a yasher koach and pay off a debt of gratitude. And this is not just for me, but for all of my fellow writers, those who have published and those who are potential writers.

  • If it’s not kind, it’s not kosher

    If it’s not kind, it’s not kosher

    Dr. Miriam Adahan

    On Friday night, Oct. 11, a new immigrant from Tashnekistan spotted.

  • Understanding teenage traumas

    Understanding teenage traumas

    Dr. Miriam Adahan

    When Shira (no real names are used) called me, I asked about the banging and shouting I heard in the background. “I told my 20-year old that I had an appointment and couldn’t give him the car,” she said, “and he came after me so angrily that I raced into my bedroom and locked the door.

  • Off the path

    Off the path

    Dr. Miriam Adahan

    Almost daily, I receive phone calls or letters from desperate parents whose children have decided to leave the path of Yiddishkeit. I understand their pain. I’ve been there. When one of my children showed signs of rebellion, I struggled with all the feelings which parents in such situations know so well: fear, shame, guilt and anger, but especially deep grief.

  • ABANDONED BABY SYNDROME

     

    ABANDONED BABY SYNDROME: WHO’S LOVING OUR BABIES?

    Dr. Miriam Adahan

     

  • BEING TOUGH

    BEING TOUGH – WITHOUT TERROR

     

  • FIGHTING AGAIN

    HELP!  THEY’RE FIGHTING AGAIN!

  • DISCIPLINE – FOR THE GOOD OF THE CHILD

     

    DISCIPLINE – FOR THE GOOD OF THE CHILD

    Dr. Miriam Adahan

     

                   

  • DON’T ALL MOTHERS LOVE THEIR CHILDREN?

       

    DON’T ALL MOTHERS LOVE THEIR CHILDREN?

  • UNDERSTANDING TEENAGE TRAUMAS

    When Shira (no real names are used) called me, I asked about the banging and shouting I heard in the background. “I told my 20-year old that I had an appointment and couldn’t give him the car,” she said, “and he came after me so angrily that I raced into my bedroom and locked the door.

  • PREPARE BEFORE PUNISHING

                A client walked into my office recently and, upon seeing Orchos Tzadikim on the shelf, asked me to remove it before she sat down. When I asked why I this is necessary,  she said, “My father made me copy pages of the book as a punishment when I was a child.  Just seeing the book makes me tremble.” This is an example of an ineffective, counter-productive punishment.

  • WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR TEEN IS ALLERGIC TO YOU

                Initially, I was going to entitle this article, “What to do when your child hates you,” but I thought that the word “hate” was a bit extreme. So what is it that comes over children so suddenly in their teenager years? 

  • WHEN WORRY IS TOXIC

    From the time a child is born, a parent worries: is he eating enough/too much? growing fast enough? turning over on time? sleeping enough/too much?  

  • PARENTAL PARADOX

    One of the reasons that parenting is so difficult is because parents are caught in a paradoxical situation. What every child wants most is to be loved as he is. This need must not conflict with the parents' job as teacher, which comes from the word hora'ah – instruction. A teacher's job is to civilize the child, instill values, shape attitudes and correct negative behavior. We can't let our children go out into the world as pampered slobs or short-tempered bullies. We want them to be hard-working, reliable, thrifty, considerate, patient, polite and organized. We know that they need these traits in order to be happy and to survive in a tough world. If her room is a mess and she has tantrums over her split ends, what will happen when she has to juggle work and kids and a husband who is less than perfect? If he slams doors when he's upset or torments his little sister, how will he behave when his wife irritates him in any one of the thousands of ways that people can irritate each other?  

  • ABANDONED BABY SYNDROME: WHO’S LOVING OUR BABIES?

    A well-known rabbi once told me, “Never write anything controversial. You’ll only make enemies and it won’t help.” So I hesitated to write this article, knowing that 70% of mothers work and that most will continue to do so. But if this article makes even one woman think twice about returning to full-time work before her baby is 6 months of age, then it is worth the anger which may be directed my way. 

  • BROGEZ

    I happened to be passing by a neighbor's house when I heard a little girl in the back yard saying, "I won't be your friend." There she was, a little girl, around the age of four or five, with hands on her hips, looking defiantly at the other children. "Okay," said one of the other children, handing her the ball, "You can go first." With a triumphant look, the girl bounced happily away.

  • Dealing With Anger and Children

    Lots of things can make children angry. From the time they are babies, they get "angry" if they are not held enough, if they are wet or hungry and if they don't get enough stimulation or enough down-time. Then they start to grow and get angry because someone gets a bigger cookie or has a toy they want or are in a daycare situation they dislike or simply feeling helpless or rejected. Other than sleepless nights, dealing with angry kids is probably the most difficult thing about parenting. It's exhausting, embarrassing and nerve wracking.

  • HELPING KIDS WHEN THEY ARE ANGRY

    Lots of things can make children angry. From the time they are babies, they get "angry" if they are not held enough, if they are wet or hungry and if they don't get enough stimulation or enough down-time. Then they start to grow and get angry because someone gets a bigger cookie or has a toy they want or are in a daycare situation they dislike or simply feeling helpless or rejected. Other than sleepless nights, dealing with angry kids is probably the most difficult thing about parenting. It's exhausting, embarrassing and nerve wracking.

  • HOW TO DRUG-PROOF YOUR KIDS

    Let your most minor victory over the yetzer hara be great  in your eyes in order that this victory will serve as an impetus

     to defeat it in even greater temptations."  (Chovos HaL'vovosA mother, who had been in my parenting classes years ago, called with good news. "Miriam," she enthused, "I just want to thank you for teaching us the Victory Technique.  You promised that we would reap great rewards with our teens if we started when they were small, and you were right. My 15-year-old ADHD son went to a party on Motzai Shabbos.  The next day he told me that there had been drugs and alcohol, but that he hadn't taken them.  I asked him if all the work we had done on victories as he was growing up had helped him resist the temptation.  He looked at me intently said, 'That's the only thing that helped! I told myself that it's o victory to smoke dope or get drunk!'  I was so proud of him.  When my children were young, I spent a lot of time each day talking about my own victories and theirs, but I didn't know how much he internalized until that moment!"

  • WHEN YOUR CHILDREN DON'T LIKE YOU – OR EVEN DELTE YOU

    WHEN YOUR CHILDREN DON'T LIKE YOU – OR EVEN DELTE YOU

    Dr. Miriam Adahan, Jan. 2010–01–24

                One of the tragic consequences of an unhappy marriage is that the grown children may have distanced themselves from you, despite the fact that you were very loving and tried heroically to keep the marriage together despite addictions, abuse, betrayals and neglect. Now in your 50's or higher, you may find yourself out in the cold, grief-stricken and bewildered, asking how this could happen when you had done your utmost to be so responsible and caring...

  • WHEN YOUR CHILDREN DELETE YOU

    One of the tragic consequences of an unhappy marriage is that the grown children may distance themselves from you. It is understandable that they would want to be distant from people who were addicted, abusive or neglectful. 
  • HOW TO AVOID GETTING ANGRY AT YOUR CHILDREN

    It's so easy to get angry at children. They break our crystal, lose money, coats and bus tickets, wail as if the world is coming to an end because they don't get what they want, refuse to do the smallest thing to help, embarrass us, fail us, taunt us and sometimes hate us. 
  • WHAT IF MOMMY DIDN'T LOVE YOU?

    Not all parents love or even like their children. Some parents feel burdened by their children or resentful that they are not what they "ordered" and do not fulfill their expectations.
  • How to Avoid Getting Angry With Your Children

    It's so easy to get angry at children. They break our crystal, lose money, coats and bus tickets, wail as if the world is coming to an end because they don't get what they want, refuse to do the smallest thing to help, embarrass us, fail us, taunt us and sometimes hate us.
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