Discipline – For the good of the child

Discipline – For the good of the child

Dr. Miriam Adahan

Children misbehave only because they do not know they are holy! Strict limits makes them feel secure. BASIC RULES: 1. SCOLD QUICKLY - no more than a minute. Attack the behavior, not the child. 2. FOCUS ON SOLUTIONS. Be specific, “That (state specifically what it is) is unacceptable.” 4. END WITH HUG: “I love you and trust you.

 

Difficulty possible solution
 

1. IRRITATING BEHAVIOR (in

child under age 7)

breaks/loses/messes/wets

NOTE: NO davka! He simply

doesn’t control his impulses. He’s

tired, hungry, unaware, bored. At

age 7, he begins to get conscious

control over ability to choose

actions and control urges.

1. BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT: “You didn’t mean to do that.”

“I know you feel bad when you hit/broke, etc.).”

2. TRIVIALITY: “This is not a sin.”

3. STATE SPECIFIC RULE: “This behavior is unacceptable.”

(Picking your nose, sitting on table, hitting baby, etc.)

4. SOLUTION: “Let’s clean it up together.”

5. POSITIVE SELF-IMAGE: “You are usually so careful.”

 

You usually remember. “That’s isn’t like you.”

6. FAMILY PRIDE: “Our family doesn’t act like that.”

7. TRAMPOLINE: “Jump the energy out.”

8. REASSURANCE: “You are not bad. I love you.” Hug.

2. BAD WORDS (3-4 yrs. old) 1. TIMER: “Say the word for 3 whole minutes.”

2. TAPE: “Say the word for 30 minutes into tape recorder.”

3. INSULTS - NAME-CALLING

(fat, stupid, lazy, crazy, etc.)

1. STATE RULE: “No ona-at devarim in this house.

2. REPLAY SCENE. “Say what you have to say with respect.”

3. COMPENSATE INSULTEE: “I’ll pay the insultee each time

you insult him.”

4. INSULTER GIVES INSULTEE A “TZ’LASH”

5. QUEEN’S PALACE GUARDS – teach non-reactivity

4. HUTZPA

 

You always/never…..”

 

You’re so….”

 

I don’t have to.”

1. REPLAY: “Say it again – with repsect.”

2. EMPATHY: “Sounds like you feel very hurt.”

3. FIRM LIMITS: “I want to listen to you, but I can’t when you

speak like that. Tell me what you want, in a respectful voice.”

4. WALK AWAY: “When you have calmed down, tell me what

you want.”

5. SANITY CARDS (from age 5)

5. CRYING

 

They won’t let me play.”

 

I didn’t get what I want.”

 

It’s not fair.”

1. EMPATHY: “I’m sorry that you’re feeling bad.”

2. RULER: “How bad do you feel?”

3. PARADOXICAL INTERVENTION: “Cry for 3 minutes.”

4. LETTER TO HASHEM (from age 9)

5. SANITY CARDS

6. HITTING - VIOLENCE 1. STATE RULES: “I understand that you are angry/frustrated,

but hitting is not allowed in this house.” NOW REPLAY

2. TIMER: “Three minutes in the quiet corner.”

3. PICTURE OF FEELINGS: “Show me how you feel.”

4. RULER: “Tell me how you feel.”

5. HITGABRU’OT BOOK: emphasize courage

6. TRAMPOLINE

7. CROWN: Shlomo HaMelech, Esther HaMalka

8 . REPLAY THE SCENE

7. CAN’T SLEEP 1. MASSAGE: “When you’re in bed, you’ll get your massage.”

2. SLEEP CASETTE: make it very boring

3. HERBS: passiflora, valerian

4. AROMATHERAPY: lavender

5. WORMS? check for worms (use zatar for 80 days straight)

6. GOOD DIET: less sugar/no caffeine

7. DETACH: “You don’t have to sleep; just be in your bed.”

8. BABY: go in after 5, 10, 15 minutes to reassure

WHINING/NAGGING/

BADGERING

1. CONNECT TO NESHAMA: “Say: “Hold my hand. Look in

my eyes and tell me what you want in a grown up voice.”

2. 1-2-3- Magic: 3 minutes in time-out.

3. DELAY: “Yes, you can have a cookie after dinner.”

4. REPLAY: “I’ll say NO, and this time, you comply.”

5. CROWN: “How can we solve the problem?”

6. HITGABRU’OT: Work on accepting Hashem’s will.

9. MESS/DISORDER/DIRT

(Dirt is not disaster or sin. Do not

turn the tafel to ikkar.)

1. NEUTRAL STATEMENT: “The towel is on the floor.”

“The peelings were left on the table.”

2. TIMER – “You have 3 minutes to…..”

10. TANTRUMS 1. BEAR HUG: “Until the yetzer hara is out.”

2. QUIET CORNER: “Calm yourself for 3 minutes.”

11. CHRONIC ANNOYANCES:

OBNOXIOUS BEHAVIOR:

biting nails, pulling out hair)

1. HITGABRU’OT NOTEBOOK:

2. CROWN – Esther HaMalka, Shlomo HaMelech

3. RULER: “How do you think I feel when you do that?”

4. VITAMIN B

12. FEARS 1. INDIRECT COMMUNICATION: use puppets

2. HITGABRUOT: focus on courage

3. PRAISE GOOD DECISIONS

4. VITAMIN B

5. STRENGTHEN EMUNAH – “Hashem loves us.”

6. AVERAGE: Humility means avoiding perfectionism.

13. EXTREME SENSITIVITY

(feels depressed, hurt, belittled)

1. RULER – PICTURE OF FEELINGS

2. CROWN - SOLUTIONS

3. PRIZES FOR VICTORIES

14. O.C.D. (obsessive, compulsive

disorder)

1. VITAMIN B - medication

2. CROWN of Shlomo/Esther

3. SANITY CARDS

4. HITGABRUOT – prizes for reduction in negative behavior

15. A.D.D./A.D.H.D.

1. Poor concentration – spacey,

easily distractible

2. Impulsive – interrupts

3. Aggressive, hurts others

4. Has explosive temper tantrums

5. Does not follow directions

6. Is bright, but gets poor marks

7. Paranoia, “Everyone hates me.”

8. Loses & forgets things often

9. Irregular sleep

10. Poor time management

11. Hypo-activity

12. Over-persistence

1. More sleep

2. HITGABRUT NOTEBOOK: lots of praise

3. Cut down on sugar, esp. food coloring

4. EXERCISE – 45 min. a day , esp. self-defense

5. STRUCTURE, firm limits

6. Omega 6 (olive oil) & Omega 3 (FISH)

7. BROMOL – vitamin B

8. Money – earning money is good for self-esteem

9. Massage

10. Pets – unconditional love to/from animals is calming

11. Ritalin

12. Brushing with bath brush – 3 minutes – 3X

13. Punching bag

MESSAGES: You are strong. You can manage your feelings. You can face disappointment

You are responsible and trustworthy. Life is painful; overcoming obstacles will build character.

NO: NO NAME CALLING/SHAMING

DO NOT EXAGGERATE: You NEVER/ALWAYS

DO NOT THREATEN to leave, kill, hurt the child, threaten that he’ll never have a shidduch

DO NOT COMPARE: “You’re lazy, just like your father.”

 

You’re argumentative, just like your mother.”

 

When I was a child, I never misbehaved.”

DO NOT ASK WHY: Why did you fail/make a mess/hit/get dirty/can’t you sit still

PRAY A LOT: ASK FOR HELP FROM HAHSEM - OUT LOUD, IN FRONT OF KIDS

(Gemara – say “Tefilat HaDerech if you feel you are losing your cool.)

META MESSAGES

He doesn’t notice that she’s tired. He doesn’t care.”

She walks in without knocking. a. Great. She feels at home.

b. What a hutzpa!

To son: Your hair is too long.

Husband leaves towel on floor Your wishes are not important to me.”

To daughter: tuck your shirt in.

I left the key in the door. You don’t want me in this house.”

Mom to child: “Where are you going?”

Let me help you make the food. a. Great. I need the help.

b. She thinks I can’t cook.

I ask guest questions about her family. a. She’s concerned.

b. She’s interrogating, spying, nosy.

He asks to help with the dishes.

He doesn’t ask to help with the dishes.

a. He thinks I’m incompetent.

b. He doesn’t love me.

She nags him to do dishes. Your dishes are more important than I am.”

BULLYING:

Belittling: He leaves a mess. When she asks him

to stop, he says,

 

You making a federal case out of it.”

Mind-reading: She cleans the house. He says, You cleaned just because guests are coming.”

(He pretends he can read her mind. He accuses

her of a motive that does not exist. He implies

that she is decsptive. He claims there is no other

motive for cleaning.”

Switching subject: She asks him to get off the

phone because she needs to talk to him. He says:

counter-accusation: “Look who’s talking. When

I wanted you to iron my shirt, you didn’t.”

Numbers game: “I’ve told you a thousand times.”

 

You are an hour late.”

 

No, it was just 500.”

 

It’s just 55 minutes.”

Stockpiling accusations: “This bill wasn’t paid.

How irresponsible can you be!”

 

This place is a pigsty – just like your mother’s

place.” “You’re a dictator, just like your father.”

 

You’re crazy, just like your sister.”

Innocent questions: You decided to clean?

You finally thought about me?

Whitewashing (minimizing): “I am seldom

angry, but this time….”

She buys junk food. When he asks her to stop,

she says: (belittling)

 

You’re just being stingy.”

Adam Vinatieri Jersey Byron Maxwell Jersey Adam Thielen Jersey Chris Hogan Jersey Brandin Cooks Jersey Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie Jersey Brandon Marshall Jersey Aldon Smith Jersey